Average People

As a child, U.S. writer Ralph Waldo Emerson watched a man cut wood. He tried but found it too hard to do.  Wanting to be useful, the young Emerson said "Can I do the grunting for you?"

(Peoria Illinois)--Hot Ping Pong...Two bored firefighters--a man and a woman--were recently reprimanded after officials say they played a game of strip ping pong.  It is said they never got down to their underwear.

(Woodstock Illinois)--Paperclip attack--A high school student learned the hard way not to use rubber bands to shoot paperclips at people.  After hitting a cafeteria worker in the chest, the student was expelled for a year and sentenced to a hundred and fifty hours of community service.  The student says he was aiming for someone else.

(Milwaukee Wisconsin)--Topless Fundraiser--They were doing their best to help a good cause on Super Sunday.  For fifty dollars, patrons could enjoy the Big Game, complete with food and drink...and a little lap dancing. Strippers who took part say they were just trying to help a good cause on an otherwise slow day.   The Leukemia Society of America asks that you always check with them before using their name for any reason.

(Compton California)--DooDoo BooBoo--A teacher learned the hard way not to file a false police report.  The high school teacher told police students had thrown a bucket of feces at her.  Further investigation by police at the scene did not find any on her blouse, but they say they did find some "on the seat of her pants."  They say it appears she had a "personal accident."   The teacher lucked out by being ordered only to pay a fine at her sentencing hearing.

(Martinez California)--Robot Attack)--He had a clean thirteen-year service record, and is loaded with bells and whistles...literally.   None-the-less, a phone company employee sued after "Zippy" the robot ran into her at work.    She says the robot smashed her up against a filing cabinet, injuring her back, feet, and one hand.  (If he was human, I think there would be a sexual harassment claim in there somewhere.)

(Berea Ohio)--Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam--You can learn a lot from a can of Spam.  Just ask students in the local elementary schools.   Corporate contributions have enabled students to learn about weights and measures (can/content weights), Bar graphs (comparing various ingredients, fat content, etc.), and even English (through donated company memos).  In civics class, they use Spam to learn about labor unions and other economic factors.  Kids also get plenty of Spam pencils and toys. (contact Hormel Foods, Austin Minnesota)

(Pacific Grove California)--Tape It--You see it everywhere, but a new study says it hardly ever gets used on what it was designed for.  Recent tests say that's probably a good thing, because they say when it comes to heating and air conditioning, duct tape doesn't work very well.

Fremont Ohio)--Dead presidential vacation...Proving a president can get perks long after holding office, a Florida vacation company sent a free vacation offer to President Rutherford B. Hayes.  Hayes has been dead for more than a hundred years.  The firm that handled the promotion says they have complete demographics on their prospective clients, including lifestyle, age bracket, and credit worthiness.

(London, England)--Florence NOTengales...Nurses in Merry Old England were recently reprimanded over the notes they kept in patients' files.   Letters were sent to nurses all over the U.K., warning nurses not to use offensive language in their notes.  Some of the examples cited were: FLK--Funny Looking Kid, GOK--God Only Knows, PIN--Pain In the Neck, and BUNDY--But Unfortunately Not Dead Yet.

(West Palm Beach Florida)--"I Will Not...."--A traffic magistrate assigned a 500-word essay to a teacher after convicting him of running a stop sign and obstructing a roadway.  Reports say the teacher was ticked for running the stop sign.  After being released by the officer, the teacher drove up to the next stop sign, stood up on the seat of his convertible, and gazed long and hard in both directions.  In addition to the essay, the teacher was fined $122.

(Middletown Connecticut)--Porno Class)--A university decided not to go ahead with plans to offer a class in pornography.  The class outline called for students to read a variety of works, including the Marquis de Sade and Hustler Magazine.   Students would have been required to turn out some kind of pornography as a final project.   The professor who proposed the class says it would be to examine pornography as a cultural and political power.

(Amherst Massachusetts)--Although he's not out of school yet, a local college student is proving he's ripe for corporate America.  The student won an engineering contest...by throwing a spitball.  The theme called for participants to overcome the aeronautical challenges associated with flight.  The spitball flew the farthest, winning the competition...and the brainy student a hundred bucks.

(Durham North Carolina)--"K" is for Kickbacks--A university biology instructor is in deep with administrators after it was learned he was allowing students to trade goods for grades.  The teacher, who was sentenced to a year in jail, received a 31" television and video game player in return for giving one of her students a passing grade.

(Montgomery Alabama)--Wrong Baby--A jury sided with a doctor, who mistakenly circumcised the wrong baby, and wound up being sued by the poor boy's mother.  She says the procedure was done without her permission...or anesthetic.   A nurse said in court that a circumcision had been planned for that day, but the doctor was brought the wrong child.  The hospital settled out of court for $15,000.

(Warren Michigan)--Blue Freedom--A college professor is suing over his First Amendment Rights for Free Speech after administrators received a sexual harassment complaint over his blue language.  The  instructor says he is just trying to communicate to his students in their language.  The thirty-two year veteran was suspended for three days.